So here's my story, and I will warn you now that its gonna be one heck of a long story. After all this story is a year long.

I was really excited that I finally graduated highschool. What made me even more excited was that I finally get to attend Arts Institute of Vancouver. Becoming an animator has been a dream since I started watching Hayao Miyazaki's movies many years ago. For the first couple of months there I had so much fun, despite the harshness of homeworks and the criticisms of teachers. I even made so many friends, and to be honest I never had many guy friends before in my life. But one guy stood out for me. For his security I shall call him Alex (<--- seriously, not his real name).

At first I didn't think much of him, but I had to admit he wore this hat that reminded me of Indiana Jones (LOVE THE MOVIES). We became friends and had fun helping each other in a computer class. Heck we even play fps games whenever we finish our assignments during class.

One day, one of my close guy friend told me that he had a crush on me. I thought that was sweet and told him "I prefer guys who are direct. Tell him don't be scared to ask me anytime." I've never dated before, I never been into a relationship, so I was simply curious to see what it would be like to be in one. I was pretty much excited. That's the thing about me. Whenever there's something new in my life, I would be so curious that I would jump in and ask later at whatever opportunity.

It was 2nd to the last week before semester ends, Alex took me to his place and simply just hang out in his room. He showed me Half-Life 2 and I spent most of the time playing that game, while he was getting parts in to customize his computer. While hanging out I learned a few things about him. He really is smart, knows a whole lot of things about games, computers, movies, poems, life in general, whatever's on Discovery Channel, anything I ask him he'll know. We both have same interests, similar dreams (he wants to be a game designer), and we both knew that we really like each other and more.

After that we went on a couple of dates, when I finally had my first kiss/make-out. We keep in touch on facebook and MSN, heck even text each other like crazy.

At one point, he asked if I ever had sex before. Of course I told him I was a virgin. I forgot how the conversation goes, but I guess in some way I have agreed to try. After class on the first week of the new semester, Alex took me to his place again. He asked if I was scared and told me if at any point I feel uncomfortable I would slap him. I told him "No, because I trust you." And we did it. From then on I became a woman....or so I thought.

I soon decided to introduce him to my mom. I love him so much that I want my mom to accept him so he can come over to my place. I thought everything would work out....but everything went downhill from then on. My mom hated him. Alex came to my place with a black jacket, wearing that hat, and he was wearing sunglasses on a cloudy day (Alex's eyes are really sensitive to the light some sometimes he has to wear them). Pretty much casual and normal, to me anyways. After he left, my mom began telling me that he has a really poor family history and he's a drug dealer. She forbade me to see him again. Of course I became mad. She only talked to him for a few times within the two hours he has stayed at my place. I was really upset and ended up crying.

I told Alex what my mom said and almost broke up with him. Almost. I thought that normally guys would accept that fact and move on, but Alex wanted to make this work. He is so determined; he wanted to be the person to make me happy all the time. He didn't want to let me go and he KNOWS that I don't want to give him up because my mom said so. So we decided that we would hide our relationship from my mom.

For the next few months I was really happy. I get to know him and his father and stepmother even more. A really nice couple despite the fact that his father is so damn crazy and always tease Alex. His father and stepmom doesn't seem to mind that I'm hiding a relationship from my mom. After class I would hang with him, along with other friends. My group of friends and Alex would try and paint Warhammer 40k together or play video games together.

One day, however, my mom found out that I'm not in school where I'm suppose to be working on assigments. She has been suspicious of my actions for some time now apparently. Somehow she was able to get a hold of my cellphone and found the text messages from Alex. Also there are times when I'm not anwering my cellphone when I'm out after 6. Mostly I was out because 1. I was really in school working on my assignments. You have no idea how long and brutal they are -.-;; 2. Whenever I finish my assignments I would reward myself by heading over to Alex's place, alone with him or with friends.

So then my mom contacted my dad (my dad and my mom are divorced and live an hour away from each other) and now instead of taking the bus home, my dad had to pick me up around 9 pm at school. Of course Alex and I are pissed, because I have now been treated like a child who needs a ride home.

And things got even worse when my mom decided to go through my school bags and find birth control pills. She kept saying that Alex was a devil and that I have no values or self-respect. I cried of course and called Alex about it. Alex and I were starting to get desperate and even wondered how things will turn out.

It was already the end of the 2nd semester and I was seriosuly desperate for money. My dad has been the one who paid for my tuition fees and soon found out that he doesn't have a job. Even with student loans I still have to pay part of the tuition fee, and unfortuntately my dad can't help.

One day, I decided to go on a job hunt with Alex. I told my mom I'm heading out to go on job hunts and immediately my mom goes off saying "It is impossible to find a job don't try!" Of course I was mad and told her I'm not gonna give up and that I should at least try. We had a heated arguement and soon told me "If you don't come back before 2, don't come back home at all."

I cried to Alex when I met up and was been pretty pissed off the whole day, so I couldn't concentrate on finding jobs. We did head back to my place before 2, but I didn't go back to my condo right away. I called my mom and told her that Alex and I were gonna hang in the lounge room in the lobby. I shall point out to you now that there are cameras in many rooms throughout the building and people can watch them through their televisions.

We end up going to the TV room and watch Star Trek. We were sitting there, cuddling...tickling...minding our own business. Just being with him makes all my worries and my anger go away. When I went back up, my mom gave me the most evil look I have ever seen in my life.

The next day all hell broke lose. Apparently my mom got a call from managaer saying he saw us having sex in that TV Room. I will tell you in all honesty that WE WERE JUST CUDDLING AND HAVING TICKLE FIGHTS. However the room is dark, so I guess it would make sense why the guy thought that-oh but thats beside the point!

My mom started calling me the most horrible names imaginable coming from a parent and I broke down crying. I ran into my room and locked myself there and my mom starts banging on the door, continuing to threaten to kick me out or to call police and even continued to call me those names. She then called my dad to come and get me I can no longer stay in that condo anymore. The only thing I kept telling her is "leave me alone!" I became so desperate that I decided to call Alex to "come and get me. I need help" At one point when my mom was threatening to call the police, Alex thought she really would so he decided to call the police.

Police came and told my mom that this is not a police matter, but they tried their best to calm both of us down. The police even told her that I am now 18 and that I have my own rights and (can't remember what else he said). I was not able to talk. I was really...really tramautised. The police suggested that I should go outside and have a walk with Alex just to cool off. My dad too came around and found out what happened. Alex tried to tell my parents that he's willing to give them his phone number and address so they can contact me, but my dad and my mom said "No! She's not going anywhere. We need to talk about this here now."

Being tramautized I was not ready to even look at my parents or even be at their presense. It was really uncomfortable and the only thing that was in my mind was 'Get out Thea or I will beat the crap out of my mom for saying those horrible names' And so while my Alex tried to keep my parents calm, I pulled his jacket and dragged him out. I know that my mom will never listen to him....or me.

It took me a long time to remember what happened at that incident. Even up till now its hard to tell this story to anyone without tearing up. It's a little easier when its typed up here.

Alex tried to cheer me up, but from what I remember it was really gloomy. Even the parents tried to calm me down but I just couldn't really smile or laugh or anything. I was thinking of heading home that day, but I was too scared and too angry to do so. Confused, shocked, that feeling of fire in my chest from guilt and pain, all these negative emotions were running through my body I just couldn't think straight. Alex suggested that if I can't go home tonight, I can stay at his place.

The next day didn't get any better. I called my dad to tell him I'm at Alex's place, but in return told me "You are on your own. You're a ****" I felt completely abandoned at that point. I loved my dad so much he was the coolest dad and I had so much respect of him, and now all that is gone. From that point on I hated my dad. I cannot see how I will ever love him again.

My mom and Alex's dad had a talk and even invited my mom over. When I saw her, nothing but shear rage was in my system, and I was really thankful that Alex was there to make sure I would calm down. Alex, Alex's stepmom, my mom, and I were sitting at the table. I totally forgot what they said, but at that time, whatever came out of my mom's mouth was nothing but BS. She even claimed that she didn't say those names and I almost lost it, but Alex was there and so I didn't. I told my mom that I cannot come home after what she said and what she made me go through, so I told her to bring my stuff for the week. And so for just a week I stayed at Alex's place to recover mentally and emotionally.

I bet most of you are thinking that I was selfish and wasn't thinking about what my mom would feel. I will tell you now. That has always crossed my mind. To me, it just didn't seem fair to sacrifice my love just to make my mom feel at ease. She worked so hard for me and my brother, made her own sacrifices for our sake and is willing to make sure that we have a really good future that we deserve. I understood that much. I mean, its only me, my mom, and my brother that are living together.  But I'm not the kind of person who would let an awesome opportunity, let a one-of-a-kind person slip away. I want to give my mom a chance to know Alex even more so she would have a better understanding why I love him so much. Maybe that's my mistake there. I didn't try hard enough to have my mom know Alex. I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

After a week I went home and Alex and my mom talked. To be honest I thought I was alright, but the moment I saw my mom there's only silence from me.

It was late March and my mom decided to take us to the Philippines to visit my family. It was a last minute announcement and told my mom we're not ready. I have yet to figure out how to get money for tuition fees and I was planning to do more job hunts myself. Again, she said its impossible, and my brother tells me it's unfair because I haven't seen my family in seven years.

My love to become an animator is just as passionate as my love for Alex. I wanted to go back to school so badly, and my mom is wasting money to go on vacation when it is uncertain if I'll ever go back to school?? It just didn't make sense to me. Of course we argued and I finally give in. After all I haven't seen them for so long. I especially wanted to see my little cousins again. I wanted to see how grown up they were. Last time I saw them they were just babies.

Alex knew that something was up, but I told him that everything is going to be alright and that I will be fine. I will come back as soon as I can.

And I didn't, because I was trapped.

I was the first one to leave to Philippines; my mom and brother said that they're going to follow me after a couple of weeks. I stayed in my mom's old college friend's house. A mansion is more like it, and I enjoy spending time with his family. At the end of the day, I would hang out with my new friend and sometimes she allows me to talk to my friends on her laptop. Alex was worried sick of me and kept telling him I would be fine.

When my mom and my brother came, another downhill moment came around the corner. My mom had a talk with me. She continued to tell me I am a Filipino and that I should have their values, but I don't and even had no self-respect. She coninutes to tell me that sex is bad and that Alex is a devil.

Here's a thing about me, in blood yes I am a Filipino. But I was born and raised in the Dubai for ten years, taught in an American school, moved to Canada and attended Canadian high school and attended an art school that has been known throughout North America. I had soooo many friends, not just Filipinos (only a few -.-;;), but Canadians, Americans, Chinese, Koreans, Arabs, heck Europeans here and there. Goths, geeks, nerds, anime people, preppy people, average people, whoever. My values are based on whatever culture I have adapted myself to based on where I live and who I was influenced by. I treasure all friends...No...I treasure and love all those who love me and highly respects me, between friends and family.

Back to the story, of course I was mad and I also tell her that although I love Alex, that doesn't change the fact that I would never wander away from school and I would never do anything to jepordize my future. Yes I had sex with him, but that doesn't mean I do it on a daily basis and yes I always make sure that I am 100% protected. I also tell her that I want to be an animator and that has always been my goal. Alex will never jepordize that because he has always been very supportive from the very beginning.

My mom didn't believe me of course, saying that I am love blind and that there are better guys that will be supportive of me, so much better than Alex. I was pissed of course and soon I found out that the family I was staying with knew what was going on with me (except for the part I'm having sex with Alex). They thought that I did not know what family means and told me my mom is putting a whole lot of effort just to protect me.

All these people telling me a whole lot of things, and I didn't have anyone to back me up. I know they're looking out for me and I understand that, but at the same time it felt like I was beaten down to a pulp because I did something wrong. I tried to explain them, but I'm nothing more than a little girl to all of them, a girl who doesn't know life outside my mother's box. After that I did the most horrible thing: I broke up with Alex on MSN.

I dunno about most of you all, but deep down in my heart I know it was the most horrible thing a human being could have done. Alex loved me, has done so much for me, sacrificed his time and effort just to be with me, doing whatever it takes to make me so happy to be alive and encourages me to be an animator. I've hurt him so much and everyday after that I end up crying at night. Up till now I still do.

I love him so much that it hurts that he's not there anymore. My heart always aches and crying is something I do every single day for months. I've said sorry, but I know its not enough.

While in the Philippines I tried talking to him on MSN, but it wasn't the same. We chat about normal things, but it was always seem so......distant. As if he doesn't love me anymore. My friends, both from Arts Insitute and high school friends try to cheer me up, but at the end of the day, Alex is not there to say "I love you". I tried moving on, but that hurts even more.

Coming back to Canada in July (I was away for 4 months), we both know that we still want to care for each other and my friends would be there to back us up. Couple of days later, I decided to set up a meeting, because we both knoew we definitely need to talk. I was excited to see him again, but was shut down by my mom, my brother, and two of my mom's workers. I began to break down in tears when my brother shouted "You almost killed dad! You almost killed dad! I'm gonna be the one to kick you out of the house if you go!" (Apparently my dad almost had a heart attack after that incident in the TV room I still blame myself for doing that to him)

They all told their own sappy stories when they were 17, 18 whatever. My mom says that "I've wasted so much money so you can break up with him and now you're going back! I give up!" I was devastated, crying like there's no tomorrow. I was confused, scared, whatever negative emtions that exist its there inside me that time. I decided to call Alex, tell him that I can't go meet him. My mom said she wanted to speak to him and when I gave the phone to my mom, he hung up. The same abandoned feeling I had for my dad came back and I locked myself in the room crying.

The next day I talked to Alex on facebook, and I ended up crying again when he says that I will never find love again and that I'm not a woman. I was crying, because its true.

It was a month after that. Because money is so hard to come by, my mom and I agreed that I should attend Douglas College and take up Tourism. My mom was able to convince a friend to get me a job in Vancouver. Apparently her plan is that once I graduated and get a Certificate in Tourism, we would set up a travel agency and I would own it. MY PLAN however is to take up Tourism, find an even better job, and move out. I want to be an animator, not some travel agent. To be honest, I'm living in my mom's dreams, and she even admitted that, which pissed me off.

While back home, I would mind my own business on my computer. It seems that my computer is the only thing that can keep me occupied. I play games, I use Photoshop, but more importantly its how I can talk to my friends. I'm always seen chatting online whether in a game or on MSN or on Facebook. Although it is nice to chat with my friends again, my mom thought I'm only talking to Alex. While I'm out somewhere, she and my brother would sneak on my computer and put a parental block. So now I can't go on facebook. Then I tried to keep myself busy on Gaiaonline. I have an art shop there I wanna continue on, but that site is blocked too. I told my mom to remove these blocks but she kept saying "I have no idea what you're talking about." I'd explain to her that I'm not stupid and that I know she's the only person capable enough to do that to my computer. I was half right. My brother was the one to put the block, my mom on the other hand was the one who told him to do it. How I know? Easy. I actually saw them do it.

They even tried blocking me from using MSN messenger by blocking hotmail and yahoo. For those who knows computers and progams and stuff like that, you guys know that MSN MESSENGER cannot be blocked. (I think?) Of course I got mad because I was expecting mail from work, so they unblock it. But still, I can't play games, I can't go on facebook. Whatever site I go to will be blocked whenever my mom sees me in a site.

Once in a while I talk to Alexon MSN. He even said he's an idiot for saying those things ( he didn't apologize though -.-;;) and so in some way things were back to normal. But still, I missed him greatly. I wanted to see him again. I still love him, so I set up another meeting. It would be after work.

I met him after these 4 months and I was trmendously happy to see him again. He hugged me, kissed me, tickled me, says things that would make ME happy. Even though we hang for two hours it was the best two hours for the longest time.

When I got home something uncomfortable occured to me. He never said "I love you." It made me feel doubtful for a week now. I thought perhaps he's being one-sided. Maybe....he's just making me happy. Maybe thats the only reason he kissed and hugged me; he just wants me to be happy, thats all. My best friend the other day told me that Alex once told him that if he ever sees me again, he would hug and kiss me and then steal me away from my mom.

I really hoped that would happen, despite how stupid that idea would be, but still....why didn't he say he love me? He knows he loves me, but I have no idea if he loves me back the same way I do.

Last night, I talked to him. Everything went fine and dandy, but onething led to another. I can't quite remember what happened or what we've have said, but something made me cry the whole night and the whole morning.

I asked him If he really was happy to see me again. He said "why else would I kiss you and hug you?" Mentally, I just don't know who to believe anymore. At this point I doubt anyone. I have absolutely no idea who to turn to when I feel sad, who I talk to when I have problems.

I felt that ever person I know has a hidden agenda for/against me. My mom constantly has hidden agendas for me, making me do stuff, go to places, attend parties that's not my business (my mom would take me to church parties that only my mom's friends would be in. No one at my age is there, even my brother).

Anyways for the whole conversation I thought that Alex really doesn't love me and that he's just trying to make me happy. He then says that he's only my "friend with benefits" which means I am allowed to stick my hands down his pants, but we're not in a relationship. He can't say he loves me because saying it means being commited, and as long as I still live with my mother he doesn't want to commit himself to me.

I became really scared of course, asking what if he meets someone in the near future. I don't remember the answer, because I was crying the whole time. Heck

I can't remember the conversation very well, but it really made me tear up so much that I cried the whole night, even in my sleep, and this morning as well.

I really want to fight back. I really want to find a way to be with him again, just like before. All my memories of being with him is still fresh in my mind. Its what keeps me on holding on even now. Alex may have been my very first boyfriend and I'm sure there are guys out there that might be better for me, but I dunno if I'll ever find anyone that can replace Alex. After what Alex and I have gone through, what makes you think I can easily find love again? I have no idea who has my back, who I can trust, who to cry to when I need them the most.

Family...I know a whole lot of you may say talk to my mom, but every time I talk to her all that comes out of her mouth is that the world is a scary place. Don't trust anyone. The only person you can depend on is mom and brother. But that's the thing, if they're the one who made me miserable, who else to turn to? I've given Alex enough problems.

To be honest, there are many times when I blieve that I don't deserve Alex. Alex definitely deserves someone far better than me. He says he wants to be with me, but in the end, I don't know if we'll ever be together again. I've hurt him so much I just don't understand why he said all those things. I want to be his girl again. When he says he doesn't want to commit while I'm with my mom I just.......felt really really sad. Heck right now I'm crying right. I don't know what to believe, what to think, what to do...

And so now I turn to you, to everyone. I know you guys don't know me, but like I said before, I hope to find something. Insights, advice, whatever help you can provide that my friends or family can't.

I really expect some mature responses. If I see nothing but flaming (don't worry I know what flaming is and what it looks like), then I am sure I can delete it.

I know this is really...really long, but I jsut want to make sure that you guys understand what kind of hell I'm going through and it would probably help you help me if I were detailed with this. I also know that there may have been things that you don't understand, so please feel free to ask anything. (Mature questions mind you)

Thank you for reading my story. It's pathetic I know, but I'm really desperate.

but then i realized it was just about a boy.


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trust your dealer, not your doctor
i like my love unconditional and my chronic dank

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i was ready to help when i read that you'd "been through hell and back"

but then i realized it was just about a boy.

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I thought this same thing. Honestly, I think you're making a massive deal about nothing.

Get back with Alex - even if you think he deserves better clearly he loves you. Finish your course, get a place together, don't listen to what your parents say. They're obviously not in your best interest.

The core problem is that your mother is a crazy bitch projecting too many of her own goals and values onto to you, and your father is little better, and you're basically surrounded by a family of controlling drama queens.

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"My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"